Relationships

How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you

Rupi Kaur

Most of us when we hear about relationship we think about those with the people around us - a parent, a sibling, a friend. What about the one with yourself? In the moment I realized that in order to have healthier relationships with my significant other, with my family and friends I need to build and consolidate the one with the person in the mirror was the moment that started a discovery journey for me.

Before moving forward let me give you an example from my life where I tried to build a relationship:

I was in Cyprus for a business trip with a colleague some years ago. And we decided to meet for breakfast. She was 15 minutes late, and that made become insufferable - in my mind she was showing disrespect towards me and my time by not showing up when we both agree to do so. That meant she was disregarding also my personal value - respect. Instead of enjoying my coffee in the warm morning sun I nested a bad attitude. She approach me and ask me what was wrong and I told her about my reason of being mad at her. The look on her face….she never thought that for me a 15 minutes delay might mean so much, since I could have enjoyed my breakfast and coffee (she knew I was a big coffee addict). ”I am always running late - to everyone and everything” - she told me….Ever since that moment she tries to be punctual when it comes to me or she is letting me know that she will be late so I can start things without her.

If I would have kept my silence and never spoke about what bothered me that thing would have always been a breech between us - me for not having my value respected - her acting on my attitude and not changing anything because she was not aware of that there was something to be changed.

In conflicts or more general in relationships the only person you can change is yourself: the way you show up in a conversation, the actions you take, the words you use or the time you chose to make a statement. By speaking or giving feedback, by offering your thoughts, by sharing, by listening, by not judging and embracing what the other person brings to the table, by calibrating expectations and being aware of beliefs and values - you can build a healthy relationship. Is it hard? Hell, yeah! It is super hard and it is something that you need to work every day, take mindfulness action and be aware that it is a process that happens all day, every day.

We have being talking a bit about healthy relationships - lets also talk about unhealthy ones. This might change the way you see other relations and when you start to build a good relationship with yourself you will might loose others because of the way they treat or speak to you, or that they can handle the new you with limits that keep you happy. The foundation of a good relationship reflects on you and how you feel - it is about trust, communication and support in your journey. In a not so healthy relationship you will get certain dynamics that you can call them ”beacons” of something that needs to change in order to take the next step.

Here are some ways you can realize that a relations need to transform in order to be healthy:

• Gaslighting - making you doubt your reality by telling you something did or did not happened or is untrue even though it is something you know.

• Name-calling - verbal put-downs, mean and hurtful nicknames that will make you feel bad about yourself.

• Coercion - Manipulating you to get their needs met without regard to yours.

• Controlling - declaring with whom you can talk or spend time, telling what to do, feel and/or think.

• Mistrust - showing suspicion or questioning your move or actions

• Invisibility - not feeling heard or understood.

These are just some worrying signs that something needs to change. Toxic relationships are not a place where you can grow self-love and appreciation. Instead of addressing these issue you can offer that time to something that you love or that will make you feel happy and support a transformation to a better life.

So let’s talk a little about the relationship you have with yourself. I invite to take a pen and a paper and write down the answers to my questions in a way that will support your awareness:

• Personal Values - what are they? What triggers in conversations negative reactions in you? What behaviours need to happen in order to know a certain personal value? How do you know your values are being respected? How do you know when they are violated?

• Healthy boundaries (while physical barriers provide a space to keep our body safe, emotional ones encourage us to take responsibility over our feelings) - Do you have boundaries in any of your relations? Do you know how to communicate them to to your peers? Do you have hard times saying ”No”? How do you know that your boundaries are respected? How do you notice these boundaries in others?

• Self-talk - notice how do you speak about your self when something goes bad - Do you have mindful reactions towards you? If yes, what are those? How how you address your mistakes? How do you talk to yourself when you do a good dead? What are the rewards you give yourself?

These are some steps that you can take in order to address the relation with your-self, to start and appreciate your efforts in a mindful way - by taking time and make a deliberate choice that will open new journeys for you. In my coaching and my mentoring session several clients addressed the self-love topic after realizing the power that the inner sabotoeurs are allowed to hold in their daily life. So they open the door in order to build a better life and make better choices for themselves and reach their potential.

You can read more on the topic of self love in the ”Self-love workbook for women” by Megan Logan, MSW, LCSW - a great tool to practice awareness since it is full of exercises that you can practice, but also a lot of useful information you can read and see who it can support you on the long run.