What is your relation with endings? (2/2)

“The splendid thing
about falling apart
silently...
is that
you can start over
as many times
as you like.”

― Sanober Khan, A Thousand Flamingos

Talking about endings in my latest article was a window into my reflection of the week. And since we did talk about endings in our supervision course - I took a deeper look at it. And part of what emerged for me is also in these two articles - the one you are reading now and the first part here.

While in the first part I talked about abandonment wound and separation anxiety - and these can bring a somatic response in the body. Not all of us are aware of this and it is normal to be so - for some of us the cognitive process is stronger, for others the somatic one can take charge.

What makes me mention it? Because endings sometimes have a somatic signature - and the body is perhaps the most overlooked dimension in coaching conversations when endings are brought as topic.

Before a client can articulate what an ending means, their nervous system has already responded. Common somatic patterns include:

• Tightness in the chest → often linked to grief or constriction

• Drop in the stomach → fear, uncertainty, abandonment activation

• Restlessness or agitation → fight/flight mobilization

• Numbness or detachment → freeze or shutdown

In supervision, I often work with body sensations since they are great receptors of what is happening in the field for the coach. One of the question I might as is ”What happens in your own body when a client approaches the end of your work together?” and if you joined to reflect on your own relation with endings I invite you to think about a ending and notice what sensations appear in your body.

Now returning to the supervision work with coaches - here is what makes me explore with the coach - because their somatic state subtly shapes how endings are held in their coaching processes with their clients. In all these sensations that emerge there is data that the coach can use for better awareness and elevation of their practice.

• Rushed endings can reflect discomfort with emotional intensity - and a coach who rushes through the process due to their discomfort deprives the client of information and exploration and increased awareness on what is happening for them.

• Overextended endings can reflect difficulty tolerating separation - and that can lead to a co-dependency unhealthy for all the parts involved.

• Clean, grounded endings require regulation, not just technique - and that can be done only if self discovery and reflection was done in supervision field or in other developmental environments.

Now, no matter if you are a practitioner coach or you are just curious of reflecting on your pattern with endings here is a reflective exercise that you can do with your journal or just give yourself space to reflect on this.

Let’s start with your Mind - the narrative layer - here are some questions to explore:

• What do you tell yourself when something ends?

• Do endings mean failure, relief, rejection, or transition?

• Do you seek closure or avoid it?

Next one to explore is the Relational Memory - your attachment layer:

• Do you tend to leave first or stay too long?

• Do endings feel predictable or abrupt?

• What early experiences might this pattern echo?

Now check in with your sensations in the body - the somatic layer:

• Where do you feel endings in your body?

• Do you contract, collapse, or become restless?

• Can you stay present with the sensation, or do you move away quickly?

What I learned in my coaching practice is to hold endings with integrity, and that also shows up into my personal and professional life. And now from perspective one of a practitioner coach and that of a coaching supervisor working with endings well and in a healthy way involves three competencies:

• Clarity - name the ending explicitly, ambiguity prolongs activation.

• Containment - hold space for emotional and somatic responses without rushing to resolve them. (don’t let the savior in you to jump into the rescue of the client)

• Integration - Support the client in metabolizing the experience with these 3 easy questions.

  • What is being completed?

  • What remains?

  • What is being carried forward?

Now if you are here for the reflection and you have a relation in mind - use the above questions to more forward. Endings are not just about stopping. They are about how something lives on internally and that needs to be processed.

As I am finishing this article here is some random ideas from my reflections:
- Endings are often treated as thresholds we must cross quickly. In practice, they are more like tide: sreceding, returning, reshaping the shoreline of our internal world.
- The relationship with ending not fixed - it is patterned. And patterns I am good at observing them, understand them, and gradually transform them into what serves me - and you can also do it.
- Here is what I learned and I am transforming it into an invitation - the next time when you approach an ending - whether as a coach, a client, or simply a human in transition - pause the impulse to move past it. Instead here is a question to reflect: What is this ending asking me to feel, remember, and learn, right now, in this body?

Photo: Laurenz Kleinheider