Understanding boundaries
"The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none"
— Unknown
In recent years, conversations about boundaries have moved from therapy rooms into everyday life, self-development and even into the workplace culture. Boundaries are essential for protecting one’s mental health, maintaining healthy relationships, and living authentically. Yet, on the paper sound easy, many of us struggle to set them or to respect them.
Yesterday I had met someone for the first time and I knew that boundaries are needed for my mental health in an instant. Some years ago, I would have jump into saving mode and try to save that person. Now I know that is not my place, my story, my job or my mission. So here is me, today in front of my laptop inspired to write a second article about boundaries, after deciding not to expose myself to such a conversation again.
If in my first article I talked a bit, inspired by Brene Brown on what are boundaries, how do you know them, with whom do you share them and why, today I will dive a bit deeper into seven types of boundaries and some common avoidance strategies inspired by Dr Rebecca Ray. Let’s explore it and se how you can begin to practice healthier limits.
Let’s go first through some types of boundaries cause these are not one-size-fits-all. Here are some of the types to take into consideration and with the help of the AI I made sure to have examples of how such boundaries look communicated.
Mental - this one is about the freedom of having your own thoughts, values and opinions. How to communicate this? “I respect your perspective although I do not agree”
Emotional - this is about your emotional availability to others and how you regulate sharing feelings. One example of communicating this is by saying “I don’t have the emotional capacity to discuss about this right now”
Material - this is about your material possessions, money and resources. “I cannot lend you money, but I can help in another way.” is a good example where money can be replaced with car, sleeping room or anything else.
Internal - one of my favorite and the one that I am still working on active when FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) kicks in. This one is about protecting your energy, self-regulations and self-care. This is where you learn to say no! “I need the weekend to recharge, so I won’t be available.”
Conversational - the one that triggered me yesterday, this is about topics that you are and aren’t comfortable to discuss. “I’d rather not discuss politics in this conversation”
Physical - asking others to respect your personal space and physical touch. This is one of my Arch Nemesis, cause I am not comfortable to hug at all times and especially when my brain is over stimulated hugging someone might triggered me to close off. Here is one way to communicate this “I’m not comfortable hugging right now.”
Time - managing how and with whom do you spend your time with. “I can stay for 30 minutes, but then I need to leave.” one of the ways you can do this.
Moving forward with this article let’s talk about about what Dr. Rebecca Ray identifies as patterns that people fall into when they fear or resist setting boundaries:
Defensiveness – anger, excuses, or projecting negativity onto others instead of standing firm on limits.
Withdrawal – shutting down, staying silent, or physically removing yourself from the space rather than voicing your needs.
Accommodation – people-pleasing, prioritizing others’ needs, or saying "yes" when you really mean "no."
Shape-shifting – pretending to be someone you’re not in order to keep the peace, even when it clashes with your authentic values.
Self-Sabotage – procrastinating, perfectionism, and repeating unhealthy patterns instead of setting clear limits.
Numbing – turning to food, social media, alcohol, drugs, or work to avoid uncomfortable boundary conversations.
These strategies may feel like short-term relief, but they erode self-respect, breed resentment, and damage relationships over time.
The key to healthy boundaries is practicing self-awareness and learning to voice your needs without guilt. Start small: notice when you feel drained, resentful, or uncomfortable. These feelings are signals that a boundary may need to be set or reinforced.
Remember—boundaries are not walls to shut people out. They are guideposts that define where you end and another begins, allowing for relationships built on respect, authenticity, and trust.
If you want a practical and empowering guide to boundaries, Nedra Glover Tawwab has a great book that I recommended it all the time to my clients after I discovered her: “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” This bestselling book offers clear, actionable steps to define your limits, break free from people-pleasing, and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Photo credit goes to: Kevin Butz
